Whoa is me..... again.

More of my self loathing ahead... you've been warned.

Men don't flirt with me. They don't go out of their way to meet me. They don't tell me I am beautiful and when they do, they live far, far away. Again, I let myself have feelings for someone that couldn't give even half the amount of effort. He fucked me over on my birthday after calling me the night before promising me that he would be there. He wasn't. There was no call, no excuse, nothing. But, luckily I had family and friends that were there. They made my weekend perfect and though, I was a little sad way back in the corners of my heart, it was an awesome weekend.

But still, after its all said and done, I am sitting here fussing with my kids and somewhat mad at my ex-husband that can do whatever and whenever and who has help with the kids when they are with him. I have help, yes, I will not lie. But, the majority of my life is working and taking care of my kids on my own. I wish I had help. I wish I had the energy to do more things with them, to have a tidy house, to be proactive in no letting them eat shit and cooking for them like I should. I feel guilty about all of these things. My youngest is determined not to eat what I will be cooking for dinner and thinks she can change my mind. "But, mommy just listen to me." I am listening babe but you aren't listening to me. She is crying in the other room because I made her lay down making sure I can hear her sobs and her declarations of how much I don't love her. She pushes me so much, just like I did my mother. I know she is dramatic and I know I usually always give in because she wears me down. But, dammit, just once I want it to be easy. I want a fucking break. I want some help. I want a partner. I know I've said this before and I just want to know, how is it so easy for some and so difficult for me? Its been 4 years since my divorce and I have given of myself and tried so hard. When? Where is he? Because I need a little help. Sometimes I feel like I am doing alright and others I feel like I am drowning and will never get my head above water.

Ugh, I'm done.

Snap out of it!

I reread my last post from the other day and the one from January and they are almost identical. I let myself feel so wretched and pathetic and I just have to snap out of it. I can't make someone love me. I can't expect someone to just say "Hey. lets date." when I don't put myself out there enough. Though, sometimes it feels like its all I do. But, I know its not. I know I have to snap out of this funk and accept whatever it is. I want a chance with this guy in ATL but the shit he is going through is really hard on him and the last thing I want to do is push him or make him feel like I am expecting something from him. I dig him so much, but its just a shitty situation at the moment.

I will not let this feeling of inadequacy break me. I know in my heart that there is something better out there.

And you've got your demons and darling, they all look like me.

I swear I must seem like the sappiest & loneliest woman on the planet. I really have been doing more this year. Getting out & being around friends, listening to music. But, god damn, this loneliness I have in the deepest part of me is really starting to hurt. There are days when I can't even get off of the couch. Generally, I am a happy person. I can put on a good front and suppress is when I need to. But, sometimes, I have to give in or it will eat away at me. It eats away at me every second really.

And the funny thing is that I've met someone. Let me preface this by saying that when we started talking, he was already going through some stuff. It was just good/bad timing. He isn't here. He is a few hours away and the longer we go without seeing each other, the harder it becomes to hold on for something. I don't want to sound selfish because he is dealing with some heavy shit and there is nothing I can do about it to help from here. So what the fuck do I do? Move on or hang on? I always wait and wish and hope for a little piece of something and it makes me feel so desperate. I hate that feeling and I hate that I can't just live my life. I see people with their husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends... and I think. "Why the fuck can I not find one fucking person to be my partner, to love me, to think I am the shit and want to just be with me?" Why does it have to be so complicated for me when it is so simple for others?

I feel like someone is pushing on my chest and I fight off these tears and sometimes I just want to sob... and then sometimes I give in and become a mess for a while. And sometimes I feel it is punishment for being such a crappy wife. Though, I know that both he and I gave up long before we actually broke up. I know I will never been anyone's #woman crush wednesday (#wcw). I don't get hit on, I don't have men going out of their way to meet me. But, I don't know what else to do or how else to put myself out there. I get called beautiful, but shit, being pretty isn't enough. I don't stand out in a crowd. My hips are too big or my tits are too saggy. I could bash myself all night. And people tell me the right one will come along and that I am too hard on myself and to never settle. I know this stuff but it still doesn't make it easier. A kiss to my forehead while telling me everything is going to be okay or a touch to my back just a certain way to send chills down my spine and for someone to make my lip quiver with or make be blush by pushing my hair to the side and telling me I am the only one for them. I know its not like the movies and its not always pretty. I'm willing to do what it takes. And now that I am at the end of this, I gave in and became that mess. It's sad, but tomorrow, I will be okay.

Here we go again

Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life, and I'm feeling good.

I am really trying to live by that. This year, I turn 40 and I have so many things I want to do. I know I have this epiphany about this time every year. Again, I am saying that I wish I had someone. I don't want to sound like that broken record. But, god dammit, I am lonely. I met someone last year. It didn't work out, but I apparently left an impression on him. He has told me that he may move to my town and that he wants another chance. I know things have to change for it to work. But, do I want to take that chance again? And I met someone in the last couple of weeks and he is so awkward and sweet and low key, yet has his own life and friends and I so wish I could be a part of it. But he already has it in the works to move clear across the country. While he is checking the compatibility on OkCupid of the women in the city he is moving to there is this part of me inside screaming GIVE ME A CHANCE! How desperate does that make me? I could see it; an us. I don't want to wish and hope, but I do. I secretly want to be the reason why he would consider staying. But, I know that I came along too late. So, what do I do? I enjoy my time with him, don't get attached, and when he goes, he goes and that fucking sucks.

I attribute it to my awesomely bad luck. The older I get, the more sad my story gets and the more desperate I become. I don't want to be that desperate girl that clings on to an ounce of maybe and a possible what if. But, I am that girl. That lonely, yet picky girl that feels like the right man will never come along. And wants to take that age old advice that EVERYONE seems to give me, "Stop looking and the right one will come along." But, if I stop looking, will I fall of the radar all together? Will I become a spinster and live for my children and nothing else?

This year, I will enjoy myself. I will do things for me and take the time to go out more, meet more people, try new foods, restaurants and just experience life. I will embrace turning 40 undoubtedly with some tears and regrets. But, I hope this year has me appreciating the decisions I make and the people I know. I believe in fate, I really do. I want to believe that there is a greater good in store for me, but I know that I am the only one that can make it happen. My one wish is that I can end this year with a partner, someone that loves me and takes the good with the bad and wants to wake up to me every morning and tell me how lucky he is. I know it has to be out there. I know 'he' is there. It sounds cheesy and silly and maybe a little trite. But, why not? Why not me? Why not him?

Friends Forever

Friends. True 'til the end' friends. Best girlfriends that I can confide in. I've never had that. I don't have a group of friends or a few close friends. I was never asked to be in a group and when I was, I was the 3rd wheel or 5th wheel. All of the feelings of me crying to my mother when I was a child because I didn't have any friends have come flooding back today for some reason. We grow apart as we get older, but I never had anyone to grow apart from. Nor had a one true best friend that had my back without expecting something in return. It makes it harder when all I really want is someone to be my partner when I have to work so hard to find and never seem to quite find while others find it so easily.

My only exception?

Wishing I could shut the connection off between my brain and my heart, or at least convince my brain not to give in to my heart so often. Feeling desperate, lonely or inadequate. Often times feeling all of the above all at the same time. Listening to lyrics that make me yearn for someone that will miss me, miss my voice, think about me, have passion for me. 

I have this daily struggle of should I keep looking for should I give up and just be 'mom.' How much is too much and how long do I or should I have to wait? When will I find someone and when will I know? I am so impatient and hate surprises or prolonging things, but I know I have to in certain instances, but I am so tired of waiting. I don't want to be a place holder or the filling of a void while suppressing what the real issue is. I want to be a partner to someone so that I can be their biggest fan, someone that strives to be better and makes the effort to be a good man, father, partner, all of the above. I am willing and ready. But, can't seem to find someone that is on the same page. When we are there, It should be easy. I just wish the journey was easier.

I guess I will just keep on keepin' on.

The Art of Mourning

No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow.

~Euripides 

Yesterday my coworker and her husband tragically died in a car wreck. Their 3 year old daughter survived. Everything has changed; for that little girl, for their families, for us, her friends & coworkers. We are in a state of grief. But, life goes on. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I have to help customers, count pills, talk to people about insurance and all the while knowing that I will never see Michelle again. 

I am a very emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I was always told and forced to believe that it was a shameful thing. But, I cannot help the way I react. I have always been a sensitive soul; often caring 'too' much. I would beat myself up over reacting emotionally. When I was going through my divorce I had a great therapist. I cried my eyes out in her office and I found myself apologizing, as usual, for my emotional state. She stopped me and said that being emotional doesn't have to be a bad thing. Caring and showing true compassion isn't something to be embarrassed about. When she told me this, it took me a bit to digest it and fully understand what she had said to me. Once it sunk in, I felt this weight lifted off of my chest. I was no longer ashamed of my tears and my reactions to things. I cry freely when I am happy, sad or mad. It is just who I am.

This weekend, however, I have been stunted. I really am sad and I almost feel I have to apologize for my unresponsiveness. I think I am still in shock... maybe even in a bit of denial. I have lost people that were very close and dear to me and though I was upset and sad, I knew their death was impending. Michelle's death is all I have been thinking about for the past 24 hours. I cannot even get the image or thought to leave my mind for more than a few minutes at a time. I have cried, but more so, I have caught myself staring off into space and thinking about her and her child. Her beautiful miniature version of herself. She is so innocent and sweet and she now has to grow up without her mommy and daddy. My boyfriend told me that I shouldn't let it upset me so. That there was nothing I could have or can do to change the situation.

Tuesday is the visitation for Michelle and her husband. My pharmacist is getting our shifts covered so we can all go. We are a family. I truly love and care for my coworkers. And now, life goes on. We go back to normal and try to get someone to fill the gaps in the schedule. Take the calls intended for Michelle and just continue.