More of my self loathing ahead... you've been warned.
Men don't flirt with me. They don't go out of their way to meet me. They don't tell me I am beautiful and when they do, they live far, far away. Again, I let myself have feelings for someone that couldn't give even half the amount of effort. He fucked me over on my birthday after calling me the night before promising me that he would be there. He wasn't. There was no call, no excuse, nothing. But, luckily I had family and friends that were there. They made my weekend perfect and though, I was a little sad way back in the corners of my heart, it was an awesome weekend.
But still, after its all said and done, I am sitting here fussing with my kids and somewhat mad at my ex-husband that can do whatever and whenever and who has help with the kids when they are with him. I have help, yes, I will not lie. But, the majority of my life is working and taking care of my kids on my own. I wish I had help. I wish I had the energy to do more things with them, to have a tidy house, to be proactive in no letting them eat shit and cooking for them like I should. I feel guilty about all of these things. My youngest is determined not to eat what I will be cooking for dinner and thinks she can change my mind. "But, mommy just listen to me." I am listening babe but you aren't listening to me. She is crying in the other room because I made her lay down making sure I can hear her sobs and her declarations of how much I don't love her. She pushes me so much, just like I did my mother. I know she is dramatic and I know I usually always give in because she wears me down. But, dammit, just once I want it to be easy. I want a fucking break. I want some help. I want a partner. I know I've said this before and I just want to know, how is it so easy for some and so difficult for me? Its been 4 years since my divorce and I have given of myself and tried so hard. When? Where is he? Because I need a little help. Sometimes I feel like I am doing alright and others I feel like I am drowning and will never get my head above water.
Ugh, I'm done.
