Friends Forever

Friends. True 'til the end' friends. Best girlfriends that I can confide in. I've never had that. I don't have a group of friends or a few close friends. I was never asked to be in a group and when I was, I was the 3rd wheel or 5th wheel. All of the feelings of me crying to my mother when I was a child because I didn't have any friends have come flooding back today for some reason. We grow apart as we get older, but I never had anyone to grow apart from. Nor had a one true best friend that had my back without expecting something in return. It makes it harder when all I really want is someone to be my partner when I have to work so hard to find and never seem to quite find while others find it so easily.

My only exception?

Wishing I could shut the connection off between my brain and my heart, or at least convince my brain not to give in to my heart so often. Feeling desperate, lonely or inadequate. Often times feeling all of the above all at the same time. Listening to lyrics that make me yearn for someone that will miss me, miss my voice, think about me, have passion for me. 

I have this daily struggle of should I keep looking for should I give up and just be 'mom.' How much is too much and how long do I or should I have to wait? When will I find someone and when will I know? I am so impatient and hate surprises or prolonging things, but I know I have to in certain instances, but I am so tired of waiting. I don't want to be a place holder or the filling of a void while suppressing what the real issue is. I want to be a partner to someone so that I can be their biggest fan, someone that strives to be better and makes the effort to be a good man, father, partner, all of the above. I am willing and ready. But, can't seem to find someone that is on the same page. When we are there, It should be easy. I just wish the journey was easier.

I guess I will just keep on keepin' on.

The Art of Mourning

No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow.

~Euripides 

Yesterday my coworker and her husband tragically died in a car wreck. Their 3 year old daughter survived. Everything has changed; for that little girl, for their families, for us, her friends & coworkers. We are in a state of grief. But, life goes on. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I have to help customers, count pills, talk to people about insurance and all the while knowing that I will never see Michelle again. 

I am a very emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I was always told and forced to believe that it was a shameful thing. But, I cannot help the way I react. I have always been a sensitive soul; often caring 'too' much. I would beat myself up over reacting emotionally. When I was going through my divorce I had a great therapist. I cried my eyes out in her office and I found myself apologizing, as usual, for my emotional state. She stopped me and said that being emotional doesn't have to be a bad thing. Caring and showing true compassion isn't something to be embarrassed about. When she told me this, it took me a bit to digest it and fully understand what she had said to me. Once it sunk in, I felt this weight lifted off of my chest. I was no longer ashamed of my tears and my reactions to things. I cry freely when I am happy, sad or mad. It is just who I am.

This weekend, however, I have been stunted. I really am sad and I almost feel I have to apologize for my unresponsiveness. I think I am still in shock... maybe even in a bit of denial. I have lost people that were very close and dear to me and though I was upset and sad, I knew their death was impending. Michelle's death is all I have been thinking about for the past 24 hours. I cannot even get the image or thought to leave my mind for more than a few minutes at a time. I have cried, but more so, I have caught myself staring off into space and thinking about her and her child. Her beautiful miniature version of herself. She is so innocent and sweet and she now has to grow up without her mommy and daddy. My boyfriend told me that I shouldn't let it upset me so. That there was nothing I could have or can do to change the situation.

Tuesday is the visitation for Michelle and her husband. My pharmacist is getting our shifts covered so we can all go. We are a family. I truly love and care for my coworkers. And now, life goes on. We go back to normal and try to get someone to fill the gaps in the schedule. Take the calls intended for Michelle and just continue.

Huge, big, little, bigger, and smallish

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. When I was 10 my mother took me to Weight Watchers. That was her way of helping me. But, all I was interested in was collecting stickers. I was spoiled and socially awkward and all the while my weight ballooned.

By 2003, I weight 350 pounds. I was miserable, lonely and needed help. I was pushing 30 with no prospect of a relationship and my body was telling me that it was time to become a mother. I looked into weight loss surgery and was approved by my insurance for the Gastric LapBand. I had the surgery in March of 2003. I had just started dating a man that weighed all of 127 pounds. He thought I was beautiful but wanted me to be healthy and happy. In november of that year, after losing my first 50 pounds, we became husband and wife. I reached a plateau and became pregnant with my second pregnancy (the first one ended in a miscarriage in 2004) and I had my first child in September of 2005. I lost 20 pounds during my pregnancy and then gained it all back plus 1 pound. At the time of her birth, I was 285 pounds. Over the next 3 years I got to my main goal of 220 pounds, passing it and finally getting to 207 pounds. I looked amazing. But, boy was I still miserable. I was vomiting upwards of 6 times a day. I had horrible acid reflux and I basically was starving. My marriage was crumbling around me as well.

Then in April of 2005 I got a big surprise. I was pregnant with my second child. It was a big time oopsy but I was content on making it work. My husband's first reaction was, "We are broke. I don't know how we are going to do this. Maybe you should have an abortion." I believe, had already decided to leave, but stuck around since we were about to have another baby because abortion was not an option. I was still vomiting daily, not eating and having a very difficult first trimester. I decided to have my band loosened. Instead, I had all of the saline removed. I could eat, I wasn't throwing up and I was much more comfortable. But, my marriage was still suffering and all the while I was gaining weight. I gained 80 pounds with my second child. I was very unhealthy. I breastfed on demand and felt I had my kid attached to me 24/7. When our baby was a few months old my husband lost his job. We were screwed. A few months later, after I had taken a job to help out and asked for some help from family, and to move, he decided it was too much to try to make it work so he filed for divorce and injunction to take the kids away from me. I was devastated. I could barely function and my weight skyrocketed again. By November of 2009 I was 310 pounds.

So, I started over with my kids and the help of my family. I got my band tightened back and started slowly losing weight. I was able to finish a pharmacy technician program in 15 months, get my own place and be hired immediately after graduation. I lost about 50 pounds in that time. I was getting my life back together. My job keeps my on my feet all day. I move non stop and even though its hard, I am thankful. I have been able to lose weight at a good pace and keep it off. I am now 225 pounds and feeling great. I have an amazing boyfriend that loves me for me and loves my body just as it is. We work together in getting healthier and being the best we can be for ourselves, our children and for each other.

My Top10 Beauty Products of 2012

These are products that I either found and fell in love with in 2012 or that I have continued to use because they are just that awesome. See my list of faves after the jump.

Number 1. Say Yes to Blueberries Age Refresh Brightening Facial Towelettes

I stumbled upon these facial wipes a couple of years ago and I now use them daily. They smell divine and I can use them around my eyes and even getting makeup or gunk out of the corner of my eye without it hurting. I have had bad experiences with wipes made specifically for sensitive skin. But, not with these. They are very refreshing and have improved my skin tremendously. Just as the package says, I have gotten several compliments after I started using these.




Number 2. Jordana Fabuliner Liquid Eyeliner

I heard about this eyeliner from beauty bloggers & sisters EleventhGeorgeous a couple of years ago and I have been hooked every since. I can only find this at Walgreens. There isn't one super close to me, so I buy a few at a time and they really do last for quite some time. The brown is my go-to liner. I pair it with my next pick for my daily wear and it lasts all day. It is super cheap and has surpassed other, more expensive brand liquid or felt tip liners.





Number 3. Maybelline Great Lash Mascara

Great Lash has been my go-to mascara for over 15 years now. The formula is perfect and never clumps. I use the dark brown in my daily wear with the brown Jordana Fabuliner. It is a combo that has gotten me many compliments. Maybelline has always been a a mainstay in my vanity for many reasons including price, longevity, wearability and color payoff. Blackest Black with also a favorite.



Number 4. Garnier Miracle Skin Perfector B.B. Cream

There is a reason why Allure magazine and Oprah has made this a top rated item. Simply put, this stuff is the bomb. My skin was transformed once I started using this. It feels a bit oily once its on, but I set it with a light translucent powder and it makes my skin glow. Compared to other brands, the amount you get for the size is one reason it is loved, but it truly does even out my skin tone similar to my old tried but true Covergirl Aqua Smoothers Tinted Moisturizer. But, it takes it a step beyond. It doesn't feel heavy like some foundations, yet it has the coverage payoff. Once I found this, I haven't looked back. I wear this every day.


Number 5. Seche Vite Topcoat

Seriously, if you haven't used Seche Vite as your nail polish topcoat then you've been living under a rock. This stuff is the holy grail of topcoats. You can get it at pretty much any drugstore, beauty supply, or major chain store.







Number 6. Elf Studio Line Makeup Brushes

At $3.00 a pop for everything in this line (excluding sets), you are seriously getting amazing quality at an amazing cost. I have never been disappointed with any of the brushes in the studio line. They last, are made to withstand and are damn good brushes. Daily I use the flat-top powder brush, the eyeshadow 'C' brush, the contour brush and the angled contour brush. I own a few more, but these are the brushes I use every single day.



Number 7. Milani Brow Fix Brow Shaping Kit

What the hell was I doing with my brows before I found this? This was a product I decided to give a whirl to just on a whim. I figured if I didn't like it then I wouldn't be out much money. I was so pleasantly surprised. I first ditched the miniature tools (couldn't really use them with my big, meaty claws) and have had the same palette for over 2 years now. The color payoff is great. It is dense so a little goes a long way. Being that my brows are naturally white blonde, and my skin tone is paler than pale, I look like I have no brows unless I color them in. I use number 01-Light. It is also available in 02-Medium and 03-Dark.

Number 8. Maybelline Super-Stay 24 Hour Concealer

Another Maybelline product that I love. This is amazing under the eyes and it really does last all day if you need it to. It blends very nicely. I usually work it up onto my eyelids and use it as my eye primer instead of using a different product and works very well as such.






Number 9. Physician's Formula Powder Palette Mineral Glow Pearls

I have had this in 'Translucent Pearl' for almost 3 years and use it quite frequently. A little goes a long way and I love highlighting my cheeks, nose and forehead with this for a finishing touch. Though I don't have much from this company, this one highlighter has changed my whole outlook on what a finished, natural face should look like. This gives just the right amount of glow to not look fake or overdone.





Number 10. Wet n' Wild Color Icon 6 Pan Palette in 'Vanity'

This is my go-to palette when I have to travel light. The color payoff is really great. I love that WnW just keeps getting better with age.

Day One

I am sitting here in my boyfriend's bed while he is working and I am thinking about how lucky I am. 2012 was a year of losses but also a year of coming to terms and happiness. I will make changes for the better and I will continue to live my life the way it should be. I will not settle. I will work for a better me and a better life for my children. This year we will be moving into a house in a good neighborhood. We will be closer to family, my work and the girls' schools. I know things will be difficult this year, but it will be nothing I cannot handle. I will make a difference for the better.