Here we go again

Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life, and I'm feeling good.

I am really trying to live by that. This year, I turn 40 and I have so many things I want to do. I know I have this epiphany about this time every year. Again, I am saying that I wish I had someone. I don't want to sound like that broken record. But, god dammit, I am lonely. I met someone last year. It didn't work out, but I apparently left an impression on him. He has told me that he may move to my town and that he wants another chance. I know things have to change for it to work. But, do I want to take that chance again? And I met someone in the last couple of weeks and he is so awkward and sweet and low key, yet has his own life and friends and I so wish I could be a part of it. But he already has it in the works to move clear across the country. While he is checking the compatibility on OkCupid of the women in the city he is moving to there is this part of me inside screaming GIVE ME A CHANCE! How desperate does that make me? I could see it; an us. I don't want to wish and hope, but I do. I secretly want to be the reason why he would consider staying. But, I know that I came along too late. So, what do I do? I enjoy my time with him, don't get attached, and when he goes, he goes and that fucking sucks.

I attribute it to my awesomely bad luck. The older I get, the more sad my story gets and the more desperate I become. I don't want to be that desperate girl that clings on to an ounce of maybe and a possible what if. But, I am that girl. That lonely, yet picky girl that feels like the right man will never come along. And wants to take that age old advice that EVERYONE seems to give me, "Stop looking and the right one will come along." But, if I stop looking, will I fall of the radar all together? Will I become a spinster and live for my children and nothing else?

This year, I will enjoy myself. I will do things for me and take the time to go out more, meet more people, try new foods, restaurants and just experience life. I will embrace turning 40 undoubtedly with some tears and regrets. But, I hope this year has me appreciating the decisions I make and the people I know. I believe in fate, I really do. I want to believe that there is a greater good in store for me, but I know that I am the only one that can make it happen. My one wish is that I can end this year with a partner, someone that loves me and takes the good with the bad and wants to wake up to me every morning and tell me how lucky he is. I know it has to be out there. I know 'he' is there. It sounds cheesy and silly and maybe a little trite. But, why not? Why not me? Why not him?