And you've got your demons and darling, they all look like me.

I swear I must seem like the sappiest & loneliest woman on the planet. I really have been doing more this year. Getting out & being around friends, listening to music. But, god damn, this loneliness I have in the deepest part of me is really starting to hurt. There are days when I can't even get off of the couch. Generally, I am a happy person. I can put on a good front and suppress is when I need to. But, sometimes, I have to give in or it will eat away at me. It eats away at me every second really.

And the funny thing is that I've met someone. Let me preface this by saying that when we started talking, he was already going through some stuff. It was just good/bad timing. He isn't here. He is a few hours away and the longer we go without seeing each other, the harder it becomes to hold on for something. I don't want to sound selfish because he is dealing with some heavy shit and there is nothing I can do about it to help from here. So what the fuck do I do? Move on or hang on? I always wait and wish and hope for a little piece of something and it makes me feel so desperate. I hate that feeling and I hate that I can't just live my life. I see people with their husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends... and I think. "Why the fuck can I not find one fucking person to be my partner, to love me, to think I am the shit and want to just be with me?" Why does it have to be so complicated for me when it is so simple for others?

I feel like someone is pushing on my chest and I fight off these tears and sometimes I just want to sob... and then sometimes I give in and become a mess for a while. And sometimes I feel it is punishment for being such a crappy wife. Though, I know that both he and I gave up long before we actually broke up. I know I will never been anyone's #woman crush wednesday (#wcw). I don't get hit on, I don't have men going out of their way to meet me. But, I don't know what else to do or how else to put myself out there. I get called beautiful, but shit, being pretty isn't enough. I don't stand out in a crowd. My hips are too big or my tits are too saggy. I could bash myself all night. And people tell me the right one will come along and that I am too hard on myself and to never settle. I know this stuff but it still doesn't make it easier. A kiss to my forehead while telling me everything is going to be okay or a touch to my back just a certain way to send chills down my spine and for someone to make my lip quiver with or make be blush by pushing my hair to the side and telling me I am the only one for them. I know its not like the movies and its not always pretty. I'm willing to do what it takes. And now that I am at the end of this, I gave in and became that mess. It's sad, but tomorrow, I will be okay.